7 Ways to Reclaim Your Identity When Life Blows Up Your Plans
Reclaiming Your Identity When Going Through Major Life Changes
Inspiration & Empowerment • St. Louis
Life never changes when it’s convenient. Curveballs never come when you’re ready. Surviving hardships is never easy. But the sun still rises, you pull yourself out of bed, and you keep on pushing through to the other side. Once you reach the other side, though, you’re likely not the same. Change begets more change, whether it’s going through a divorce, adjusting to becoming an empty nester, a sudden career change, or a life-altering diagnosis. You made it through, but now what?
How do you just move on when you realize that the reflection in the mirror doesn’t quite match the woman standing in front of it? When life blows up your plans, you don’t just reclaim your identity in one fell swoop. There’s no grand gesture or makeover montage to signify that you’ve entered a new phase of a new you. There is, however, a string of intentional choices you can makle that move you further away from the being the person you’ve outgrown and closer to the person who had the strength to keep going. So, if you’re living in this in-between right now, not who you were but not sure who you’re becoming, here are 7 ways to start reclaiming your identity.
1. Stop pretending you’re still the old you.
The version of you that existed before things blew up isn’t coming back. That doesn’t mean you’ve pulled a 180° on your personality and that you have to completely reinvent yourself, it’s just an admission that the same old script may not work anymore. You’re allowed to want and do different things now. Maybe that means you put up with less shit or are more willing to let go of one-sided relationships, maybe you’re a little more empathetic or emotional, or maybe you’re more driven to go after what your heart really desires. Whatever that change is, acknowledge the gap between who you were then and who you are now, and stop pretending the old version of you still fits. The sooner you stop trying to fit back into your old identity, the sooner you get to enjoy living as the new you that you’ve fought to become.
2. Dress for who you’re becoming, not who you were before.
One of the simplest ways to reclaim your identity is through your wardrobe and personal style. You don’t have to throw out your entire closet (or do, if that feels right!), but take some time to explore how you dress and how it makes you feel. Try that color you’ve always avoided, retire the comfort pieces that keep you blending into the background. This is a small, daily identity act that can go a long way in changing how you see yourself and finding what feels right to you. Starting your day with intention behind the way you dress can set the entire tone for your day, every day.
3. Do something that scares you a little.
Just go for it. You’ve survived worse, and you’re stronger now. Be bold, be daring, and don’t be afraid to take yet another step into the unknown. That’s not saying go out and do something reckless, just something that feels a little uncomfortable right now. Sign up for that class you’ve been eyeing, take a solo weekend trip, say yes to the thing you keep talking yourself out of. Choosing to do something that scares you a little is how you prove to yourself that you’re not just surviving anymore, you’re actively participating in your life.
4. Stop shrinking for other people’s comfort.
Oh, it is so much easier to just shrink back and stay small to keep everyone else comfortable. But that’s not you anymore. This is your permission slip to let go of having quieter opinions, smaller desires, and a barely noticeable presence in the room. You don’t owe anyone anything for the sake of their comfort over yours, especially if that means muting yourself and being overlooked. Say what you mean, set your own boundaries, and stop apologizing for taking up space.
5. Find your people.
Spend time with people who make you feel seen. Reclaiming yourself is difficult to do in isolation, but it’s even harder with people who only want to see the old you. Seek out others who are or have been where you are. Find the people who will totally get why you’re crying in the grocery store parking lot for no apparent reason, the ones who won’t judge you for what you’re going through, and the ones who will celebrate the new you and each step you take forward. Whether you’ve got a couple of ride-or-die friends already in your life or you want to find yourself a new, supportive community like the Boudie City Self-love Club, find the support and honesty that will help you move forward. Becoming someone new is hard to do alone.
6. Look at yourself differently.
How do you see yourself? Most of us are walking around with an out-of-date mental image based on old photos, old bad days, and old criticism from our mothers. It’s time to update that image (literally and metaphorically). Part of rebuilding yourself means seeing yourself for who you’re becoming, not who you were. Give yourself a daily mantra as a reminder of this new identity or book a portrait session with me to see the changes you’ve been making IRL. We all go through ups and downs, but having a reminder of the good days goes a long way when you’re down and stuck looking back.
7. Document the whole chapter, not just the end.
You are not a before and after. Period. Yes, we all love celebrating the final product, but that doesn’t mean that the “becoming” part isn’t worth remembering. Document the process, too, not just the moment you’ve arrived. Journal how you’re feeling every step of the way. Save a voice memo where you truly sound like yourself for the first time in a year, take a selfie of the moment you realized you stopped holding yourself back. Celebrate your transformation by allowing yourself to witness and commemorate the entire journey. This entire reclamation is made up of lots of little moments, not just one big reveal.
Reclaim your identity, one choice at a time.
Becoming who you’re meant to be doesn’t happen by chance or because you finally said no to someone pushing your boundaries. It’s a choice that happens over and over again because you keep choosing to show up as the person you’re becoming instead of the one you used to be. Those choices may be therapy or joining a community group, or they may even be saying yes to that new class or booking a photoshoot.
If you’re in the middle of your chapter of reclamation, a portrait session with Boudie City is a great way to mark this chapter and explore your new identity. Say yes to booking the shoot, or if you’re not quite ready for that, check out the Boudie City Self-love Club for a supportive community ready to help cheer you on without judgment. Either way, you don’t have to make this journey alone!
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